Autism Forums

the pain that hurt
i thought after now
would GO or heal
somehow

i wanted to prove everyone wrong
and for once in my life
become strong

i cling to hope that's all i've got!
not really,not alot

i have nothing
nothing at all
i sit and watch
all those people
but there is one catch

i'll fight this thing
'til the VERY end
i DON'T socialise
and don't have many friends

I call,no-one hears
it all falls on deaf ears
pushing me to closer deeper tears

but then no-one reaches
out a hand
i pull and push

i'm left with despair
the whole world doesn't care

the hurt comes back
when you think no-one's there

i have such a fall
i just fear
someday very soon
no-one will care or call at all!!!!

---

i want to scream,shout .....
anything
but no,nothing at all
will come out

i push it all deep inside
so secretely ,it can hide
the hurt and pain
again,again

i DON'T want all this
to be true
and me feeling way
in which i do -BLUE

i am VERY confused,frustrated
it's SO complicated
in which it seems

the unrecognised years
but the fear and anger
i feel
is nothing ,but one huge thing
but REAL!!

the past is like a shard of broken glass
slitherly and slimy
dirty and grimy

hurt continues on and on
'til loves no more
but hate
got stranded forgotten
got NO mates

but bullies instead
cowards,go ahead....
the life i had
the life i was SO glad
to once and for all
leave behind

or thought i did.....
'til i could not trust no more
all i wanted to do was walk out the door!

i gave up said -no more
i found out i have a brain condition called A.S
i know and think i TRY to be THE BEST!!
like ALL the rest!

but i CAN'T
i find it SO hard
to keep the same distance
within a blimin' yard

A.S wouldn't have it!
neither would the past
i have to admit
to know in my mind
this will always forever last

the strong feelings i feel
and now know forever will

---

CAN I???

you tell me i can do it?-CAN I?
you tell me i'm brave -HOW AM I?
just take away the hurt and pain replay once again!!!

---

still

time stands still
moving until
the world stops completely
some would like it
others would NOT
some have a choice in it!
others DO NOT!

and WHY!?
because it's life!
the life that
hurts now and again

causes endless pain
and stupid pathetic mind games
that come with it-part of it!
stand alone with me and it!
it and me!

so as with your eyes can,but see
which then look next time more closely

---

surviving

alot of people have helped me
in many ways
to guiding me to the way
i don't know called -
"surviving"
the love and care
that 'everyone' has shown
so much ,throughout my life
causing me to 'get on'-
lead a 'normal' life
survive
it's THANKS to 'them'
i am who i am
i'm grateful ,truly i am
i can NEVER repay or love them enough
i been through alot in my life
and 'come out the other side'
yes,PLEASE look NOW because guess what -
i;ve survived!!!

---

why do i???

why do i feel bad?
then comes mad

it makes me feel like everyday crime
it's like it payback time

but feel scared,trapped
"you think anyone cares"!?
i NEVER feel good enough
to beat the 'desperate fight of defeat'

lose ,then cruise
then trip then grip

catches up though
hurts then hides away
what more to i have or say to do?
freak out ,cause my head to turn and shout
this causes me to then think and feel
this is the real deal afterall!

---

why,why,why... at school?!

why at school?
was i not classed as cool?
did no-one 'stand up' to play to mine or parents ball?
all i can ask is WHY?
why was i known to 'everyone' as 'stupid' as bad something i could never been
while my peers chasing cupid (kiss chase!)
i was yet again questioning .... wondering...what is stupid?
it MUST be ME -because 'everyone' can see for sure!
shook and annoyed my family to the core
so why did i crave me?
- confused,lost
yet begging to help and save me maybe
so many tears shed -known to 'outsiders' as dread!
wish i could run away
fake pretend dead
all i ever felt was fear
when yet again 'it' stepped up a fast gear
felt like class clown
that comment was sure to put me down
send me out called me 'mindless lout'
always questioned,wondered WHY!
i'd talk to the sky, to find out the 'real true cry'
so PLEASE next time -DON'T question me
the truth is quite plain to see!!!!

because of YOU!

i was alone
in my 'own little private zone'
scared and afraid
i kept quiet
-lost and confused
feeling stolen,yet somewhat 'bruised'
by it all
surprised why i didn't feel important and tall?
looking at glaring facts i feel tinnier than small!
didn't have loud voice
back then had nothing of any opinion or choice
i didn't mind or care
because i wasn't someone special
what was i doing there!?
i was that someone who 'closed their eyes' -
to being used,dropped,abused
why should i tell anyone?!
when i wanted to see
who?
the truth was me
because of YOU!!!!

lost and confused

i get so confused ,lost over what i say and do
so much so gives me the feelings of blues
i can't run,can't hide - i can't choose win or loose
feel selfish ,got no pride set aside
i replay over everything and more
my head's so damn hurt and sore
no-one sees the 'drowning tears'
i wish 'they' could - i had 'better' life
i don't think i should?!

---

Having A.S

having A.S could be seen as one big great mass
i think it could be one growing cress
our minds are like one mindfield of playing chess
how did i think? why i have this crazy mess?
what did i do to deserve this?
i hate it, grates at the same time
blocked up with grime
how can you begin to say this is mine!?

---

who said?

who said A.S don't physically hurt-by trying on a dress,trousers,skirt or shirt?
we don't like loud noises,crowds,faces
people DON'T think me use our manners including graces
people 'jump' to rude
because people think we automatically like being crude? what that mean lude?
don't get why the world has words around it!
as i don't quite it -understand
i get confused,lost
get so cross
why does everyone think A.S is SO grand!?

---

version,side -dampered pride in which the ugly duckling flies

when i say A.S
people tend to run,pretend,hide and snide
why can't be like 'them others'?
like the beautiful 'normal' swan that glides
version or sides?
instead i'm the person that steps into
' the backward sprial slides'
i feel the ugly duckling as she spreads her wings
trapped,she escapes and eventually flies
she silently screams
inside im 'burning' to let out lonely cries
feel cruel,like a fool
to me i see reflected shinning in the mirror
oviously not you!
but oviously ME!

---

i welcome any comments/feedback/thoughts on any of these poems rating out of 10??? i need to know what other A.S think of them?? how good think they are? and where you can relate to them!!!?

ive never been able to see a difference between good poems and bad poems, so im not going to try and rate yours.
but I do see that you make alot, considering that ive never been able to create a single poem, I am impressed, and I think they are good.
not sure how much im going to be able to say about what I think you mean with them, because its always been a problem for me to understand texts like that, poems, lyrics, that kinda stuff... but from what I can figure out, it seems you have a very negative view on your own existence, making it hard for you to notice all the good things you have in your life.

i have to admit tend to be on negative side poems are only 'healthy' way i get let this stream vent it without exploding mentally/emotionally everywhere helps me in alot ways overcome my thoughts and feelings/emotions just by doing that! i do notice good things my life good supportive understanding family which i'm grateful lucky for sorry if too negative that just real how i feel sometimes!

I think they're great

i really like them, their very nice, at least to me that is...

but thanks for uploading them

you should get a devianART account, lost of poetry is uploaded there, and this is really good!!!

anyway, hope your okay, because they do seem very sad...

yeah i'm fine just my way getting past school stuff anything clogging my head at that time or words that come into my head i write down sorry if depressed anyone through my poems wasn't the aims! XKX

---

i got some about losing my close family members my family being ill and how makes me feel inside!!!???

^^ as said poems arnt my strong side, so I just kinda guess but it makes sense to use them like that

Angel's Land

you're always with me
where else could you be???
trying to find the right correct place you could see down below
laugh smile....
i walk ten thousands grains of sand
to hold,touch your hand
welcome to what we know as heaven's angel's land!!! -NAN C RIP MY ANGEL XXXX

---

losing you

losing you
my heart turned black
suddenly my mind loses track
time falls back,stays still
my heart gap searching,trying to fill
but finding it hard to admit ,NEVER REALLY WILL!!!
i want to steal
why can't any of this be more than a dream - FOR REAL! - NAN CXXX

---

me is dying

i'm the one that is dying
because no -one sees the 'hidden depths' of crying
does this replace the constant need for sighing
will this forever grieving
stop me from feeling seething
falling raindrops from the ceiling -NAN C X

---

guilt and fear

the guilt i feel
with you there, me here
just stepped up a knoch or gear
all of sudden comes guilt wrapped in fear -AUNT B XXX

---

sunshine

i loved you more than words could ever say
i miss you more and my heart aches every day
my little sunshine ray
up and down
round and round
when will i feel ' a sense of ground'- hopefully soon!!
all i want is you back
would that mean you'd be in pain
will it always rain???
have i lost yet found my sunshine again -NAN C XX

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fame game

i know i'm autistic
you see 'my looks' are decieving
as i'm not the 'normal' late teen girl
that wears lipstick
to be autistic do i have carry a stick?

i am the one that craves perfection
yet despies my reflection
it's hard to discover 'the hidden detection'

i fight to be 'the same'
to play everyday life's game
will autism and poetry give me fame?- i hope i do!

to give society a understanding,a clue ,awareness needs to be added too! lol X

---

stop time -NAN C X

if i could turn around ,to stop the time
i would make sure the whole world knew you were mine
if i only could hear your voice
if i only could give you a kiss once more
if only i had the chance to say 'the final goodbye' -not to physically break down,run or cry
i miss you so much -your friendly gentle easy touch
how do i begin to prepare myself to let go!?
until forever i have to agree to say NO!
maybe if i could stop the ever flowing tears
i get the growing opportunity to
replay the good,golden,sunshine years .....

---

roses for you -NAN St

when i see roses
i think of you
when i smell the scent of roses
i smell you
that's when i miss you
then roses die
and re grows
grow my love for you
love never dies -continues to grow forever more .....